Thursday, September 27, 2012

If You Are Interested....Here's How It Went

Ah... The vocation story. 

Well, I suppose it's the only story I want to share; it is, after all, a story of how God has worked profoundly in my life. But then again, it's such an inexplicable thing that it seems impossible to say anything. So. What is to be done? For the Lord God, I will try to put some words down, but I can't promise you anything. 

For the Lord God. For the Lord God. That is truly at the heart of it; doing, seeing, Domino Deo. Where does my vocation come from? From the Lord, God himself. That is seriously some crazy stuff. I mean, really... Really? God wants me, for himself? Alone, for no one else? 

What for? Why would he want that?

For Himself, to be a sacrifice of praise, forever. See, here's the thing. I'm a little obsessed with the Eternal. How eternal a thing is determines a lot of how much I love something. You see now why I love God, but my vocation is first of all about God's love for me. I desire my response to this eternal Love to be an eternal response. Hence, the nun thing.

But I guess I haven't said anything yet...sorry. 

It begins with an indelible mark on my soul, you know, baptism. Then came years and years. It began again with a discovery of prayer when I started my freshman year of college. I had started going to Eucharistic Adoration everyday and there was something there that I had missed before: the vast and mysterious presence of one who wanted to reveal Himself to me through my sufferings in order to show me more profoundly that he was IT. Being, One, the ONLY thing. There was nothing else after that. I would follow him.

The story, the story, I know...I'll try to get back to it. Well, around this time I met a woman who was herself discerning (first person I had ever met..."people still do that?") I said that I had also wanted to be a nun for a long time. I look back now and I ask if I had said a true thing. It had actually not entered my mind and I knew next to null about nuns, but still...It was a true statement; I had always desired it, I had not always known what it was. 

Here comes the part were I visit a ton of orders and the years of heartache and joy, doubt and certainty. But every retreat, every moment of prayer has taught me more about God's love and the shape of my soul into which God places that love. I think that know I am beginning to understand faith. And it seems like I might know less about "God's will" but more at the same time. The most obvious things are very hard to understand. In any case, I know God takes care of me; there's no other reason for me to be where I am with the crazy events of the last couple of years.

In this time I also finished school (even though it was not the same school as when this all began) and there you see the reason for the student loans. I received great formation and went to some classes at our Newman center that deepened my love and understanding of God and religious life. And prayer, always prayer was at the center of my day. That interior world, far more real than anything that I have ever experienced is at the heart of my vocation as well. Sure, I love the poverty. There is something exciting about relying on God for everything, but the interior poverty is key. The liturgy, don't get me started on how much I love the liturgy (and rightly so, it is eternal after all) but the interior prayer, that union with God will always be the only thing.

So...Is that it? No, but even if I were to relate to you all the twists and turns it would not give the real essence of my vocation anyway. Pro Domino Deo. Zelo zelatus sum pro Domino Deo Exercituum. "With zeal have I been zealous for the Lord God of hosts." The Carmelite motto, the words of Elijah I hope to become true for myself in this interior discovery of where God has hidden himself within me. In this way I can fulfill my vocation to be his alone.

Well, you probably still have no idea what I'm talking about, but you made it all the way through! You are the strongest and the most virtuous to have completed the task ;) God reward ya! Please continue to pray for me, I will pray for you. Oremus pro invicem.